March 31, 2012

Wally Bear and the No Gang: How I Learned to Defeat Druggies and Bullies

I walk down the street with my cool new Ninja Turtles T-shirt, talking about the local sports team with my best buddy Jack. As we pass an open alley, a drug dealer would come out from the shadows. I know he's a drug dealer because he's got a leather jacket, sunglasses, and a slicked back hairstyle that makes him really cool. 
He might also have the ability to transform.
 He slinks out of the shadows to me and my friend and with a cool smirk on his face says, "Hey kid. Do you want to try some illegal drugs?" My friend Jack is scared witless. These are the very drugs that could kill someone. The drug dealer knows he's got us cornered. He's offered something free, we resist... But, thinking quickly, I react with the only way to defeat a drug dealer.
 "NO!" I say firmly, holding my hand out in a firm, 'no' kind of posture.
The drug dealer reels, cupping himself. He hisses and turns into a puff of smoke and slime, leaving behind nothing but a leather jacket, sunglasses, and a small ziploc baggy of pills that look a lot like aspirin.
 I gain 43 experience points (Jack gains the same) and 21 gil.

While D.A.R.E. taught me how to defend against drug solicitations, I found that in reality, most people offering me drugs were either friends or my uncle. And in any case, they were doing it more of a courtesy. Like eating in front of someone. No one has ever offered me drugs on the street and if they did, I'm sure it wouldn't be for free. Nor would I, being 8 years old in the example, be a target consumer, since I don't have a source of income and I'm too small to be able to steal much to feed this addiction.

While D.A.R.E. gave us mixed signals when it came to drugs (i.e. all the cool people were doing them, but you don't want to be cool like them?) it also gave us more focus in our young lives. It may or may not have been responsible for this:
A bear riding a skateboard is the kind of cool thing you can experience only while sober.
 While I know that Angry Video Game Nerd has done a review on this (Check it out here if you haven't seen it. NSFW: Language) Me and my good friend Jack, just like we stumbled upon Kid Chameleon trying to sell us drugs, stumbled upon this game while sifting through some NES roms I had stored on my laptop.

The game was released in 1992 and wasn't a licensed game. (You'll notice the lack of shiny gold Nintendo sticker on the box up there) It was rejected by Nintendo's licensing department likely for drug references. Back then Nintendo was the No Gang.
We rejected your game concept because f*** you, that's why.

It has a fairly straightforward story. Wally Bear has a party to attend. He needs to get there before dark. His mother is kind enough to remind him to say, "No." and be smart and not to start. She never actually says what he should be smart not to start, so we're left to fill in the blanks. It seems like a very odd thing to say to your kid as he's heading out the door. My mom usually says, "I love you" or "Be safe". I don't think she's once just said, "Okay, say 'no'. Be smart, don't start." But maybe I've just got a weird family.

So the game is afoot. Wally sets out on his skate board to... right. Right is apparently the direction that Uncle Grizzly lives, since left is not an option. Maybe Wally's mom was telling him to say no to going to the left? We may never know...  The controls are interesting enough. Wally can jump and he can move, building up momentum on his skateboard. He cannot attack. And landing on a dog on your skateboard will only hurt you, not the dog. So, they get half-credit on realism there.

Enemies include:
Evil Seagull
Hell Hound


Ricky Rat

 There is some debate on whether or not Ricky there is throwing a rock or drugs. Either one would suck getting hit with. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that later in the game that he throws bombs. Someone should tell these guys that blowing up potential customers is bad for business...

At the end of stage one Wally enters a subway. There he meets with a rabbit who informs him that Toby Turtle (Aren't turtles always named Toby?) was trying to join Ricky Rat's gang. In order to join, Toby would have to take some pills! This may be for Toby's benefit. Maybe Toby is hyperactive (for a turtle) and needs to take his ridilin? Maybe it's blood-pressure medication? We don't know. But Wally is now hell-bent on stopping Toby. So he rides his skateboard on the subway (which I'm sure is worth at least a $100 fine in some parts of New York) to stop Ricky Rat... Who is apparently more than one rat... Maybe it's the name of the gang? Here we see some actual product placement. We get repeated billboards of "Crossbow" and "Shock Wave". While me and Jack figured that these were plugs for the frisbee weapon and skateboard respectively, deeper research says that they were actually titles of "blockbuster" games coming out soon. But AGCI went belly up before they were finished. Tough luck.

Wally finds Toby and tells him that any friend that won't take, "No" for an answer isn't really your friend. Wally then continues on into another neighborhood and another subway. There he meets Priscilla the Mouse (Because guys are rats, girls are mice, if Secret of NIMH taught me anything) who has had her radio stolen by Ricky Rat. Another subway stage and Priscilla has her radio back.

This is where things start getting kind of trippy. Up until now, the game has been fairly straightforward and child-friendly. Steeped in over-generalizing statements and innocent obstacles. Suddenly, it's getting on towards dusk, you're in the inner-city. Luckily in the inner city in Wally Bear's world, you don't have to worry about drug dealers. You have to worry about terrorists.

Apparently, bombs will still hurt you no matter how much No you fling at them.
Now, it's one thing to be getting into gang trouble in your grade school. But if you're wandering into gang territory after dark, then you're just asking for trouble. You learn this lesson the hard way, since these levels are no piece of cake. It was around here that I just said, "Screw it" and hacked the game for infinite lives.

Now for more after-school special drama. Larry the Lizard was spotted walking into a parking garage drinking from "a funny looking bottle". Wally reminds us that even grownups shouldn't drink and drive. The implication is that kids shouldn't drink and drive either. Which is strictly true.
Bet you can't guess how drunk I am!
Wally is now in a parking garage. He must find an exit out of all the possible exits. Also, Larry the Lizard is apparently more than one person, too. The exit to the parking garage leads into the sewers. Suddenly I'm realizing what Wally's parents were talking about. Just say No to go to this party. What kind of parents send their kid off into a world of gangs and drug dealers that requires two subways (that are frequented by gangsters and thieves) a trip through the inner-city and then past a parking garage and through the sewers. But it gets worse. Later on we find a castle hidden in the sewers with creepy faces that shoot... something at you. This eventually leads to more sewers, another castle, and then back to the surface of the inner-city (strangely enough with a sign indicating that you were in the subway?) until Wally finally arrives at the party.

The most ironic thing about this game is that it would probably be much better if you were stoned while playing it...

But, the weirdest thing about this entire shindig is that up until October 15, 2007 a hotline for Wally Bear and the No Gang was still active at 1-800-HI-WALLY. You could call up and Wally the Bear would tell you all about being smart and not starting and how you could just say no. For the life of me, I don't know how or why the hotline would be open for 15 years.

And since I can't think of a more fitting way to end this entry, I'm going to include this song that would make Wally Bear proud.

March 20, 2012

Who is the Real Villain?

In the far forgotten mists of time of the year 1998, I was at a movie theater reaping the benefits of being a "fringe-friend". You know what I mean. One of those kids who were filler at a birthday party. You can't have a birthday party of only 3 kids, or mom and dad would get depressed that their little Tyson isn't as cool as he should be. I can't really remember the kid's name, what my relation was to him (I think Cub Scouts...? Maybe?), or how old he was turning. But I do remember that we were all given promotional Pokemon Cards (Mine was a Promo Mew) and were told that we'd be going to go see the Pokemon Movie that night.

That was bitchin'.

Well, about 15 years have passed since then. And in that 15 years I only got worked up to see Pokemon Movie 2000 (which wasn't, in fact, the 2000th movie, but was actually the second.) for which I got a promotional Ancient Mew card (which is still unopened somewhere in my room for reasons I can no longer remember.) The movie in question sucked a bit more than I could bear and so it saved me from going down the long and depressing road of the endless Pokemon movies. As of now there are 14, with one slated for this summer, not counting all the non-movie specials like Mewtwo Returns.

Not long ago, I had the opportunity of rewatching the first three and I was surprised at how much I still loved the original, how much I disliked the second, and how much I just didn't care about the third. (Why Entei? Raikou is way cooler!) But, more importantly, I came to understand something about the Pokemon universe and how it ties in with us: We are the worst of all the villains in the Pokeverse.

We break it down like this. By the year 2000, there were two main motivations to play the Pokemon games. To "Catch Em All" (Which is something that we "Gotta" do.) And to "Battle Em All", which being an RPG is something that we avoided at all costs only to find ourselves ridiculously under-leveled to fight the next gym leader. And then we take a look at the villains of the first pokemon movies.
Not technically a villain.

The first Pokemon villain.



Not the 2nd Pokemon villain.

Mewtwo is the first Pokemon villain in any movie and he was genetically created in a lab. He kind of had a hang-up about not knowing what he was created for, which probably means that blowing up his creators a few minutes after being born was a bad idea in retrospect.
Doctor Tenma creates yet another sin against god.

Giovanni arrives and tells Mewtwo that his purpose was to help him. So he does for a bit, until Giovanni goes all jerk-face and tells the unstoppable, psychic powerhouse that he was just using Mewtwo to gain power. It turns out that Mewtwo didn't like being told that he was a total tool and he level's Giovanni's place as well, taking with it a bitter view of how humans treat Pokemon. As it turns out, his skewed view is probably pretty true.

The crux of the film is that Mewtwo creates an unstoppable clone army and plans to eliminate all life on the planet and replace it with his superior clones. One thing leads to another when all the best trainers are invited to visit Mewtwo's island getaway to prove his point. Ash is somehow invited, despite him getting to the fifth round of the Indigo League Championships and losing. The best trainers (plus Ash) are then pitted against the clones. In the climax, Mew faces off with Mewtwo while all the clones fight their originals in what would be considered the most epic Pokemon battle ever... Except that it's not.
Oh the humani- Holy crap! Are those Charizards fighting?! SWEET!
While it should be pointed out that Mewtwo's ideal of Pokemon shouldn't be the tools of personal power struggles while creating a clone army to prove the his own power is highly hypocritical, it still gives us the idea that having Pokemon fight to build up your self-esteem is amoral. Which is interesting, since the first time you see our hero, Ash Ketchum, he pits his Pokemon in a fight for no other reason than, "Hey, you! Let's battle!"

This is where we're even worse. Effectively half of the games is battling. You catch Pokemon to battle other Pokemon. You get experience points to level up, evolve, and gain power to battle even more Pokemon. Mewtwo was battling because he needed to feel like his life had purpose. Ash was battling because of rank advancement in whatever League he happened to be strutting around in. Almost all of your battles were either with the computer, or to prove to your friends that your army of level 100 Mewtwos could wipe his army of level 100 Mewtwos. (If you never knew the Missingno glitch in grade school, you were about as potent a threat as Canada was in the Cold War.) All of your battles were for self-gratification and to smash some other kid's face in the dirt because you probably couldn't do it in real life.

So, if we compare the possible reasons to force other creatures to fight until one lost consciousness, Mewtwo had a pretty legitimate reason compared to us. Even Ash knew when to call it quits. But how many of us threw our little 6-'mon army at the same gym leader over and over until a combination of luck and shoddy AI programming let us finally scrape by that victory?

But, that's only half of the game, argumentatively. The other half, catching them, is brought up in Pokemon Movie 2000.

Lawrence III is your typical rich kid. He's got cash, a hobby, and a giant floating castle made out of wonder and defiance of physics.
I  couldn't find a picture of the real thing, so here's one a bear and a bird made instead.
His purpose in life is to collect. He has quite the extensive collection, we're told. And what he wants more than anything is a Lugia. A rare Pokemon that only appears when the balance of harmony is disrupted by a mystical creature named Discord... Wait. I might have blurred lines into a different show for a minute there.

This is accomplished by capturing the three legendary bird Pokemon. Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres. So, Lawrence III floats around a couple of islands and starts firing cannon shots at random mountains for the birds to show up. He then throws a gigantic electric cage to capture them in and puts them in his trophy room.

I feel that this is as good as any point to ask what Lawrence's collection really is. It starts with an Ancient Mew card and leads to him wanting a live Pokemon. He's also got a lot of other crap in there, including a boat which Ash and the gang escape on later.
He also collects Cow Tools apparently.

There isn't much more to be said about the plot, other than the way that Ash can restore balance to the world is to place three colored stones on an altar and then play a song on an ocarina... Seriously.

Lawrence is brought to his senses only after his ship has wrecked, his collection is strewn across the sea and the only thing he has left to his name is his Ancient Mew card. Which means that his new net worth hovers between $0.99 and $5 (plus shipping and handling.) He's basically told that he shouldn't think of living creatures as simple things to collect.

And then the movie ended and you went home and tried to catch 'em all...

It isn't necessarily the amount that you catch that makes you worse, but rather the method and treatment afterwards. Let me give you an example.

In the movie, Moltres is scared out of hiding with a canon and then placed into a rotating electric cage. He sits on a pedestal in the collection room looking out the window to the world below. He's given the temporary company of Zapdos (and for a brief time, Ash n the gang).

Enter my pokemon adventure. Moltres is chilling in his ice cave when suddenly a 10 year old kid comes out of nowhere and hurls a ball at him. The ball opens and Moltres is now trapped in a small sphere about the size of my fist. It's dark, it's scary, and he sure as hell has no idea of what's going to happen to him.

Lawrence is likely going to check on Moltres once in a while. Feed it, take care of it, talk to it. Meanwhile, my Moltres is never going to leave Box 4 because with my level 100 Mewtwo and a Blastoise that knows both Blizzard AND Earthquake, I'm already an unstoppable force. That Moltres will perpetually be in a state of uncertainty and fear, while Lawrence's Moltres is likely going to adapt to its environment and might even come down with Stockholm Syndrome.
Birds dig crazy cow-licks.

That covers the other half of the Pokemon spectrum. Between battling and catching, we've put ourselves in a position where we're far worse than the villains of the Pokemon movies. But it could always be worse. We could be like Entei in the third movie and say to an unprotected little girl, "Yeah, I could be your daddy."
"I'll make all your dreams come true."






March 14, 2012

Mass Effect 3 Spoilers Ahead

Alright, so I'm late in updating the second installment in my Self-Inflicted Blog. I plan on updating Mondays, if it's at all possible.

This weekend, I finished Mass Effect 3. This was an interesting experience since up until I arrived at Earth again, I had been deeply entrenched in the narrative. Caring about the characters and what will happen and what not. Then, my good friend Jack West showed up. He said that it was perfect timing because he wanted to see my reaction to the ending.

This intrigued me.

Throughout the game, I had foreseen many of the possible endings. The underdog ending where Shepard is able to destroy an indestructible enemy and saves Earth. The heroic sacrifice where Shepard dies because he is the Catalyst or some nonsense like that so he dies to kill the Reapers. I had decided that I'd be okay with almost any eventuality, because I knew that Bioware would treat it as a culminating experience and cover the repercussions in detail, as they cover EVERYTHING in detail. I even decided, since I was the ultimate Paragon (except when I punched a Quarian admiral in the stomach for being a complete dick) that the loss of Earth was acceptable if the entire rest of the galaxy could survive. I had cured the genophage, ended a 300 year long war between the Geth and the Quarians, and had even sexed two different aliens over the space of three games. I was feeling pretty damn good about the survival of ALL species, not just humanity at this point.

I, however, like much of the fanbase was disappointed by the ending. Once the initial shock of, "What the hell just happened" wore off, I started analyzing my feelings towards the ending.

Before I continue, I feel that I need to make a couple of points before we get to the ending.

First of all, I found the lack of climactic battle highly disappointing. I get it that really, the biggest confrontations we will face won't be ended with fighting. I get that. But I'm playing an ACTION-RPG. It's a video game. There is some leeway to the suspension of disbelief when you're playing a video game.

After wading through several battlefields and getting a chance to say farewell to most people that I cared about in the game, I found myself rushing towards a beam of light. I was getting excited because, to me, at the end of that light is the biggest fight I'll ever have. I came to realize more and more rapidly that this would not be the case when my climactic fight (or, rather the last fight that I would have) was after I'd taken a direct hit from a Reaper cannon (Which I'm sure I should've died in) and I suddenly only had my pistol (which wasn't in my possession at all) and charred armor. As I slowly staggered towards the light, and by the Halls of Asgard, I mean slowly, a single enemy appeared and took two shots to the head (I was playing on the Narrative mode) before he crumpled.

I cross the threshold and now I'm on the Citadel. As of this point, my suspension of disbelief was still in active mode. I've had pointed out to me that there is a huge logistical nightmare as to how the hell the Reapers suddenly moved the entire Citadel in a matter of hours. I'm okay with that. Sure, it might be a plot hole, but the Reapers could basically be magic for all I know. What do I care?

I find Anderson already at the bridge of the Citadel after what seemed like an eternity of mindless staggering through hallways. Then the endgame begins. Though, at this point, I'm getting the sinking feeling that I won't be having a cool climactic fight, since my Shepard isn't shaking off his near-death state. Instead, it's a verbal conflict with the Illusive Man, who went from well-meaning, factual dick in Mass Effect 2, to a completely retarded dick in Mass Effect 3. (Hurr, I kill da humans to save humanity, derp derp)

I really didn't pay too much attention to the dialogue here, since I'd already realized that no matter what happened, I wasn't going to be fighting anyone. And it was basically just like talking to Saren waaay back when.


"Dude, you're under Reaper control!"
"No, dude, I'm totally in control."
"You're eyes are glowing and you look like a Husk. Dude, really, you're under their control."
"Man, you really don't get it, I'm in control."
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
And so on.

The only point I'd like to make with this is: since when is talking someone into killing themselves a "Paragon" action?

The real infuriating thing comes from the actual endings. For the first time, I've been given a genuine choice in a game where there is no "Happy Ending". Honestly, I was probably more prepared than most, since I would even have accepted a "Reapers Win" ending. That would've been admirable, if not disappointing. (No one else could stop them, why would our cycle be any different?)

With so much innovation going on, I was kind of disappointed to see that in the end, the whole crux of the conflict boiled down to the old, "Synthetic life kills organic life to preserve organic life." (It might also be noted as the Spiral/Anti-Spiral conflict, if you happen to watch Gurren Laggan.) The Reapers (now being voiced through a child-VI which I thought was unnecessary) say that organic life would make synthetic life that would eventually rise up and destroy all of organic life. Considering that I had just ended (diplomatically, I might add) a 300 year long war between synthetics and organics, I felt like he was just talking out of his ass. But, who am I to question the Reapers?

So, in the end, Shepard is given three choices. Control all the Synthetics (i.e. The Reapers) to save organic life. Destroy all synthetic life (including the Geth, who are on are side now) to preserve organic life. Or, I could assimilate the two and create a new life-form that is part organic and part synthetic (which, if I understand, is what the Reapers were trying to do in the very beginning) The bonus to all of these is that Shepard is told that he will die one way or another. This is a red-flag for me when it comes to a Bioware game. Sure, in the end, it's the illusion of free will. No matter what I chose, paragon or renegade, I'd be doing basically the same things. But for such a high stake, despite Shepard's heroism, I would've loved a "STFU" option and have Shepard basically say, "We don't need you to hand us our salvation, we'll get it on our own." Then walk away. Cowardly, if he so wishes. There was no option to survive as a coward, or even to die on your own terms. It was, Shepard is going to die a hero no matter what.

I liked the choices, though. For the first time, I felt like I had a hard decision. It wasn't like any decision I'd made before in Mass Effect. It wasn't Ashly or Liara. It wasn't kill or save Wrex. Both either had a clear, right and wrong polarity, or didn't really matter in the long run anyways. This time there was more or less the same outcome, but with different ends to the means. I was actually torn and weighed the options for a good while instead of instinctively going with whatever would net me a paragon point. There was no good or bad solution here, and therefore I thought that the choices were novel.

I chose to assimilate the species, since that seemed like the safest and best hope for life to continue. How this necessitated the death of Shepard, I still don't really understand. But, that's not my problem with the ending.

My problem with the ending is that all of my time working with Liara, romancing Tali, bro-mancing Garrus, avoiding Jack at all costs, and all around wanting to be like Grunt or Wrex was never really hinted at. I got to see Joker and EDI, faintly glowing, disembark the Normandy on a jungle planet and smile happily at the future they now have, thanks to me. After that, I get to hear an old man talk about me as if I were an epic god who bestowed life on all the species. Why I wasn't given a scene of whoever survived the assault counting the dead or having Grunt or Wrex or literally any of the dozens of people I'd affected in their lives say a few words about me was the most disappointing moment in the game. For a game that focuses on relationships between you and your teammates, there was no closure on what my sacrifice meant for them. I had romanced Tali. I would've loved to see her on her own planet talking to someone about how she wished that I could've seen the house that she was building. I needed to know that my death meant something. What do I care if millions of years later I'm heralded as a hero by nameless strangers?

That's where BioWare dropped the ball for me. For as much as they showed me of the universe after my victory over the Reapers, the Reapers could've won for all I knew. I knew that a select few of my friends survived. That was it. I needed an epilogue at the very least. The universe that I'd come to love and was getting excited for by reading the books might very well no longer exist. I might as well have created a massive black hole and destroyed the entire galaxy for as much as I know that I saved.

This doesn't even bring up the logistical problems of the Mass Relays being destroyed. I let them wave that they had to be destroyed. I figure that they were carriers to the signal that the Crucible emitted and the power going through them destroyed them. I'm fine with that. The logistical problem is that practically all of the different species' populations were in the Sol System, literally light-years away from their respective systems. I saved the Quarian homeworld only to have Tali die stranded in the Sol System while her home planet gets developed by who? The Quarians and Turians need different amino acids to survive. Amino acids that aren't found on Earth. They're screwed unless the assimilation allows them to live much longer on much less so they can travel via normal faster-than-light travel back to their own homes (which could take years).

Now, I'm invested in the Mass Effect universe, since I've discovered that I love it deeply. I'm also enough of a pushover that if BioWare releases a DLC to give more info on what happened after the Crucible happened, I'd buy it in a heart beat. But as it stands, I'm getting the same empty feeling that I got when I beat Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 2. I know that I saved the day, but you can't just show me happy and roll credits when there was SO much story being built to that point.

So, that's my rant. I would take the trouble to write someone at BioWare, but I wouldn't know who, and they'd probably delete my email as soon as they got it anyways. I was wondering where I could write about this at, and then I remembered, "Didn't a start a blog last week?" So now I can yell on my soapbox in my little corner of the internet and pretend like the echoes of the empty halls are actually people agreeing with me.

March 5, 2012

Spam Mail In My Pocket

So, I woke up this morning to discover that I had won a completely free $1000 gift card to Walmart! I try to suppress my giddiness at the prospect by only doing a mild jig in my jammies and strutting around my room singing, “Money” by Abba. The text (from a random, charitable stranger) told me to go to http://promodaygiveaway.com/walmart TO CLAIM MY PRIZE! All I needed to do was to input a simple validation code of “1000” to prove who I was (you know, the grand prize winner of windfalls) and it was as good as mine. Of course, it was required of me to input some measly factoids about my life. Email address, name and my cell phone number. While it was curious why they’d ask me about my cell phone number when they contacted me via cell phone, I figured that it must be some bureaucratic thing and happily input my information and I now patiently await my $1000 gift card (which I assume must be huge to fit all that money on there).
Of course, this is a fabrication. But all lies are built on a grain of truth. I did, in fact, receive an unsolicited text letting me know that I had won. Now, with my cynicism, it didn’t take any intensive research on deciding that this was, in fact, a scam. But, for the hell of it, I decided to see where this rabbit hole went. I followed the link given to me on my phone (you may notice, if you follow the link above, that it is now dead) and decided to enter in the code, because skepticism aside, I could really use $1000 from Walmart. And wouldn’t it suck if it turned out to be actually true and I turned it down because it seemed like a scam?
The site seemed fairly legit. But, that’s what scam artists want. What I mean by legit is that it wasn’t all text. They’d taken at least an hour to get the site presentable. Of course, the first tip off to me was that the Walmart logo was nowhere to be seen on this page, outside of the picture of the gift card. (This one to be exact)
I put in the code in the code in the allotted box, just under the ticking timer of 5:00 that was slowly ticking down. I wondered what would happen if I let it run out. But, I’m impatient in the mornings. (Just like in the evenings and afternoons and nights.) I was taken to another screen that asked me for my email address and name and cell phone number. At this point, any illusions that I might have had that this WASN’T a scam evaporated. Why would they need my cell phone number if they already texted me? And what, are they going to email me my gift card? While that’s not impossible, $1000 is a lot of cash to have just sitting around in a gmail account with nothing in return.
I went back to the validation code entry. I input 1337 and 9366 to see if they were valid codes. They were. (I would later find out with google investigation that other valid codes were “MART” “CARD” and basically any four lettered combination that exists in ASCII) I was rejected when I put in a simple ‘1’ though.
Then I caught “Privacy Policy” nestled at the bottom of the screen. This should be good, I thought. And it was.
By agreeing with their policy (which was inputting my personal data and hitting submit) I was agreeing that they could sell, brand, have sex with and then not call, my information to outside “clients” at no recompense to me. It also said that if I decided to “opt out” (there was a small box at the very very bottom of the screen, hidden, almost) that my cellphone number that I would input there (and it only asked for the cell phone number) could also be shared with their “clients”. But, it did say that this was to inform them that I wasn’t interested in sales pitches.
I didn’t actually put in my cell phone number in the opt out space. I probably should’ve. When you clicked that button, it took you to a blank screen with just a basic entry box and basic text: “Enter Cell Phone Number:”

So, that's what happened this morning.