Random RPG Rant

So, only being behind by a couple of years, I've finally finished Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep. First of all, it was awesome. Definitely was worth playing. Now I've officially played all the Kingdom Hearts games. I've beaten almost every one except Chain of Memories, but then again, I've always been terrible with card-based battle systems. Phantasy Star Online Episode 3 was terribly disappointing for me, as you could imagine.

I remember first hearing Simple and Clean in the commercials for the first Kingdom Hearts, and being a boy who was trying to prove to everyone that he wasn't some weird nerdy kid, I scoffed out loud at the very premise of Kingdom Hearts. But I knew that deep down, I was going to thoroughly enjoy that game. And I did. I beat the hell out of that game. Just never beat Sephiroth, but then again, he was nigh impossible to beat.

Using that as a springboard to segue into the topic I want to talk about, which is Final Fantasy, I'll start with what bugs me: the characters in Kingdom Hearts.

First of all, it's tragic to see Zack in Birth By Sleep. He's looking forward to the world, becoming a hero and all that. But every time I start to feel happy for him I remember how he's inevitably going to end up. Dead. It's like watching Romeo and Juliet, only they die years apart.

"Promise to die a tragic death if I do?"

Second is Sephiroth who, for some reason, is perpetually in some weird mixture of normal and Safer Sephiroth. Safer Sephiroth looked more monstrous and Sephiroth normally looked pretty bishi with a long sword. His character in Final Fantasy VII itself  wasn't quite the embodiment of evil that subsequent portrayals would make him out to be. Remember, for a large part of his life, Cloud wanted to be great like Sephiroth. He just snapped one day after discovering the truth about his origins and then wanted to destroy the world. Hell, I feel like that if someone cuts me off on my way to work. Much less if I discovered that my entire existence was a lie.

But most importantly is the portrayal of Cloud. Everything you see Cloud in after Final Fantasy VII has him as an angst ridden loner who is bitterly torn up about... well, something. I'm not entirely sure what. Either the mind-f*** of his past or the fact that Aerith died. I'm still not clear on why he's moping around so much. But the fact of the matter is he simply isn't like that in his own game. I'm playing Kingdom Hearts Re:Coded and there's a part where you try to get Cloud's help in the Colosseum and he refuses because he can't help anybody or somesuch. He just mopes around and wanders aimlessly like he's about to cry. And all I can think is, 'Is this supposed to be the same guy who cross-dressed to save Tifa from some lecherous thug?'

The part where Cloud was morose in Final Fantasy VII were pretty short compared to the rest of the game. There's a small issue when Aerith dies, since he feels somehow responsible for that. And the fact that he might have been created to be a backup Sephiroth or something. But the feeling in the end of the game is that what happened in the past happened in the past and what happens now is the most important thing of all. He saved the world for a reason and he was feeling pretty damn good about it.

And why the hell wouldn't he? Tifa totally is diggin' on the Cloud.

 For some reason, Cloud has lost all motivation after Final Fantasy VII and has become the most irritatingly angsty character that has ever been created. And it's a damn shame since when I was replaying Final Fantasy VII, I came to realize how much I actually liked Cloud's character. He was pretty gung-ho about everything and handled terrible circumstances surprisingly well. He was upbeat and kind of snarky, in fact.

If he wants to have a reason to be angsty, he should've been in Final Fantasy VI. Then at least he could complain that he didn't save the world.

That's the masterpiece for me as far as Final Fantasies are concerned. Kefka's destruction of the world of order in Final Fantasy VI. Honestly, there was none of this, heroes swoop in at the last minute and save the world thing. No, they're too underpowered and show up just a touch too late and therefore have to defeat the big bad about a year after he's destroyed the world. Kefka is probably the best villain since he actually won. Though I'll admit he had little character depth. When you can describe the entirety of his motivation with three words, "Hate", "Hate", and "HATE" you've made a pretty shallow character. But at least he consistent. He's a mental psychopath who dresses like a clown and is the embodiment of hate and chaos.

...No... The other guy...

Scooby-Doo, Where Art Thou?

So, I'd taken a hiatus from writing for awhile. With my new job I suddenly ran out of time to research for potential articles. You see, my research method was just finding a random game, playing it from beginning to end while taking screen caps, and then rant about it later. It seemed to work pretty good, but was a fairly time consuming process. Especially if the game in question was actually pretty good. Then I don't have nearly as much fun picking it apart. Good games are the bane of my existence.  But now I'm back. No word on if it's going to be a recurring thing or not. Kind of depends...

For as long as I can remember, I've always disliked Scooby-Doo. I know, I'm probably weird on this, but I was a pretty clever kid growing up. It was easy to spot recurring themes and patterns and if the phrase, "Jinkies, it's Old Man..." doesn't immediately trigger an almost Pavlovian response, then you probably haven't watched an entire episode. Which is understandable. The show is fairly dull, even with the advent of a talking dog. The person you'd naturally assume is the villain, is the villain. The first half of the show is the 'Gang' bumbling along in two unchangeable groups (Group A is Freddie and Daphne, Group B is Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma) literally stumbling across vital clues strewn haplessly around the old mine/abandoned warehouse/old mill etc. The second half is the rest of the gang (who have already discovered the identity of the villain but keep it to themselves) setting up an elaborate trap to capture the villain, only for Scooby or Shaggy to royally screw things up but have it all accidentally work out anyways. Then there's the dramatic mask reveal where everyone gasps, but then they all ramble off how it all fit together anyways. It always seemed weird to me that four able bodied teenagers and the largest breed of dog come up with the zaniest contraptions a la Rube Goldberg to capture what is, essentially, a very old man in a large costume. Why they don't just wait by the door and then dog pile on him.

I've seen enough episodes to know that there aren't very many deviations to this formula. Even when you add a guest star, all you get are more puns and jokes. Some of which are groan inducing or even sad. Like the episode where the special guest star was Mama Cass, the mystery was set in a candy factory, and 90% of the jokes were about her weight. (Anyone who likes music knows that Mama Cass died from heart failure because of her obesity.) At best, I could appreciate the voice acting and the overuse of the canned laughter. At worst, I'd just change the channel. Even PBS in the middle of the day was better than watching Scooby-Doo in my opinion.

So riddle me this, then, dear reader. Why the hell would I have Scooby-Doo Mystery for the Sega Genesis? I don't remember where I got it from. I know I didn't spend money on it. But there it is. Sitting on the shelf nestled between Road Rash 2 and Phantasy Star III. The compulsive collector in me forbids me from selling it, throwing it away, or turning it into a hipster-ish coaster. So there it sits.

Well, I've been slowly working on a list of games that I own but haven't beaten and unfortunately, Scooby-Doo Mystery is somewhere on that list. Which means I'm somehow obligated to play it. So I plugged in the Sega Genesis, popped in the cart, realized that the Sega Genesis I had plugged in is one of my 'bad' ones that needs to be fixed and unplugged it, grabbed another one from the growing pile of redundant game consoles, plugged that in and began to play.

First thing that I notice is that I can choose between two different mysteries or I could continue. I choose the one on the boardwalk, since carnivals are great fun. Well, now I see that the style of gameplay is the Adventure genre. In the same vein as Maniac Mansion or Secret of Monkey Island. That makes sense, except that I'm playing as Shaggy, the screw-up of the group. I can't really interact with Scooby, my cowardly sidekick, and the actual mystery-solving elements of the 'Gang' are apparently stuck in a boat in the middle of a lake. I assume that the long patch of dialogue I had accidentally skipped during the first few minutes of the game probably explained why the competent teenagers were out in a small dinghy in the middle of the lake at night, but having not read it, I'm left to assume the worst of Fred.

Let's just make this clear right now. Shaggy is the screw-up of the show. He never seems to solve anything. The clues he uncovers aren't understood by him, but rather Velma, when she hasn't lost her glasses. I'm somehow expected to solve a mystery (of what nature, I still don't know) as this poor teenager. I assume that the Mystery Machine is the property of Shaggy, or else there is literally no reason she should be in the group.

Actually, come to think about it, there's no reason for Fred or Daphne to be part of the group either. Daphne is only slightly more competent than Scooby and Shaggy combined and Fred just knows how to find clues by looking instead of tripping. But in reality, it's always Velma who does all the mystery solving. If she just had the self-esteem, she could do the whole thing solo and be on the front of every newspaper and Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. (We all know that she's hiding a rockin' beach bod under that orange turtle-neck.)

Back to the game and I see that I've explored every area and haven't been able to deduce anything about my mission except that listening to the soundtrack isn't crucial to solving the case. (Or at least I hope not, because I ended up muting the game after 5 minutes.)

I fumbled along for about an hour until I went online to read through the walkthrough. (What did I do before GameFAQs?)  I discovered that the game could be beaten in an hour. Which leaves me with the unenviable task of either forcing myself through the rest of the game, or just saying that reading the ending is enough to have completed it...

Well, I'm pretty much just going to boldly say that I finished the game and call it a night, since I just can't seem to force myself to give any more cares about Scooby-Doo.