History Class

Sometime early in my life, I think it was probably around 1993, my family walked into a second-hand game store. I was probably three at the time, my sister was about 8 and my brother was around 10. My brother had taken some old NES games that he didn't play anymore and was trading them in to get a better game. Unfortunately, he had to contend with me and my sister. Now, I defer to my brother's judgement in hindsight, and I'm sure he was going to get a much better game. But me and my sister were taken in by a game with relatively cutesy cover art and we out-voted him by means of a tantrum. He begrudgingly took home this cart:

This looked awesome to a three year-old.

We plugged it in and enjoyed it for the whole of 10 minutes as frustration set in that we'd been duped into getting this game for $15 (Mine had the price tag on it for years) that none of us could get past the first level. Despite being cleverly marketed to young children, it would take me 18 years to actually beat the game. And that was with an emulator and hacking it so I could have invincibility, unlimited lives, and the best weapon in the game.

I would've used level select codes, but I'm too much of a man for that.

Even with the prospect of never seeing the game over screen (and hearing it's catchy little jingle) completely eradicated, I had to use a lot of save states to ever make it to the end. At this point, I'd go ahead and start telling you the story of Dino Riki and why he's perpetually marching towards the top of the screen, but as far as I know, this game has no story. There's no little tid-bit thrown in by localization talking about how Dino Riki is searching for food, or for shelter, or to get laid. (That would pretty much cover the spectrum for a cave-man, I would imagine.) Nope, just one caveman against the world.

We start off the game in the first (and for the better part of my life the only) level in the game. It's reminiscent of Pocky & Rocky, only this came out before hand. You slowly march onward towards oblivion as random crap comes flying at you at the speed of really really fast. So, it's a shooter. Only you also have to jump.

I have to wonder if video game characters have to go through some sort of therapy to get over aquaphobia.

I don't have to tell you that the water is deadly dangerous. The jumping is a little complicated by the fact that in order to actually go anywhere, you need a running start. While the world somehow scrolls below you. If Dino Riki could stop marching towards his death for one second, I wouldn't have so many problems. But at least here, the lily pads give a larger target than later in the game.

World one is just like this. Desolate jungle prairie with rocks with a few rivers and lakes. Also in the lakes are moving land masses that too roll under Dino Riki's feet. I'm not sure which is more confusing: the moving land masses or the fact that Dino Riki doesn't move with them.

After a few dozen tries I finally got passed the platforming parts and started to make my way to the bosses' chamber.

He's clearly terrified to know what lurks in the shadow of the cave...

 
I think I've made it this far once without any cheats before. But I'm not entirely sure. To be honest, my no cheating policy is past its statute of limitations when it comes to games older than 15 years. Doubly so if I happen to have a cheat device handy...

Which I do.

Other game reviewers tend to try and make it through the game on skill alone. But, one: I don't really review the games, I just write about them, and two: for the games I like to write about, reviewing them would be me just ranting about them. There are tons of more entertaining ranters for that kind of coverage. (For example, Angry Video Game Nerd) In a lot of cases, I've just never actually beaten the game before and I want to see the end.

Back to Dino Riki-

Great, he started fighting the boss without me! In case you can't tell, that's a pterodactyl. Honestly, from that screen-cap it could be a lot of things. The boss is hard if you're not cheating like I am. I am cheating. So the boss was really easy. He just moves back and forth shooting projectiles that you can shoot down. Actually, if you have the torch power-up (which I did) he'd be pretty simple even then.

Soon, you're whisked away to world 2...

Now, this might just be me nit-picking, but where did this architecture come from? The game is clearly the Adventures of Dino Riki. The last boss: a dinosaur. The protagonist: a cave man. Not only is there advanced civilization here, but it's already come and gone! I can't blame the creators for not wanting the game's scenery to get repetitive, but seriously? Ruins? Ancient ruins? In the middle of the Paleozoic? I dunno, Hudson-Soft, you've just lost a lot of respect.

Not that I was brimming with it beforehand.

This level contains quicksand instead of water, which admittedly is more of a real threat than a water hazard would be. Also the introduction of these guys:

Here we see Dino Riki learning that fire is instantly fatal (a fact that I only hitherto suspected). They're weird looking triceratops that breathe fire. Again, Dino Riki is marching slowly to his doom. I can run forward to dodge them, but I have to still wait for the screen to scroll. Making this fire instantly deadly is kind of a shot to the nuts, really. As if it weren't hard enough to dodge all the crap flying at me, you want me to time a dash to the top of the screen (where bad guys come from) only to slowly tap downwards so I'm not hugging the place where I'm sure to die? I'm just going to say it: I hate shooters for this very reason.

I can handle the sheer number difference (1 ship vs an entire solar system's worth of star destroyers) and even the one-hit kill policy prevalent in many of these types of games. But I can't stand not being in control of when I go somewhere. Even in Super Mario Bros. 3, the slow moving wall of death in a few of the levels pisses me off. I don't like being forced forward, and when I am being forced forward I don't like some invisible barrier telling me that I can't go any faster. This game suffers from this syndrome far worse than most shooters, though. You'll see why soon enough.

Back to Dino Riki, he's found the boss by now after navigating some primordial ruins.

Holy... Alright, I didn't notice until know but it looks like the T-Rex is shooting fire out of his crotch! Oh man, that's hilarious. I call this boss the Tigersaurus Rex because it looks like it has tiger stripes and I thought it was a clever play on words. He trudges back and forth and sometimes in a swooping motion to the bottom of the screen while shooting fire balls out of... his mouth. Sorry to disappoint you. He's just as easy to beat as the Pterodactyl if you have the upgrade (which I'm certain that you do not). After you shoot him enough times he'll die the same death that all the dinosaurs before him did.

He'll inexplicably explode.

World three is weird because... well... I think you're trudging through the land of the dead to be honest. The world is a sickly shade of green, there are flying skulls and crap, and then you've got fun skeletons that like to bull rush you after looking just like the background.

Okay, no, I've got it, I've traveled to that distant world that the Power Rangers went to in the movie. You know? Billy rides a giant dinosaur skeleton like a cowboy, says, "I've got a bone to pick with you!" and then takes out the load-bearing bone (located somewhere near the base of the neck) and the whole thing collapses? Yeah. That must be where I'm at. But, unfortunately for me, I'm not a Power Ranger, so trying to mount one to remove that bone is instantly fatal as well...

"I've got a bone to-THE PAIN!!!"

After awhile, the enemies call upon their good friend Gaia to try and screw me up.

But little does that titan know that I have save states that allow me to try and retry every pit she opens up for me. I finally make it to the end of the level. Surely with such a hard level, the boss is going to be pretty fantastic. I don't know how they could possibly top the T-Rex though... Maybe they're going to throw a T-Rex with a Pterodactyl on it's back?

Or a snake... Snakes are good, I guess. Though it seemed more or an appropriate boss for the desert world I was just in. The snake would be a little more difficult. It fades in and out, teleporting all around the arena, lobbing off a few fireballs, only to disappear again. He can even appear at the bottom of the screen, which is totally unfair since Riki here can't fire down. I can't fathom why Dino Riki can't fire behind him. I understand the game's reasoning: it was poorly made. But it's Riki's reason that eludes me. Maybe it's some crazy caveman superstition. Presumably the same one that overrules survival instincts and tells him to march forward off a cliff...

World four starts and... well... Remember how I speculated that World two was a ruin because they didn't want to repeat scenery? Scratch that. All three parts of World four are rehashes of the previous three worlds, only shorter and with a boss battle at the end of each section. Also, they're a hell of a lot harder.

Nature has many subtle ways of telling you to **** off.

It was at roughly this point I started wondering what Dino Riki's motives were. What was the drive for all of this suicidal insanity? I imagined the staple cutscene I would see at the end of the game... Would it be him with a girl and a little heart above their heads, assuring me that little Riki was going to become a man that night? Or maybe this was all about getting food. Maybe I'd see him chowing down on a piece of meat. You know, that one bone with a meat cylinder smack dab in the middle that you tend to see in anime and video games. Maybe that would be the whole crux of the game. I wondered if maybe the instruction manual came with a little back story, or if there would be a little cutscene at all. Maybe the ending would have nothing to do with the rest of the game because localization totally dropped the ball. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened, right? Well, I beat the Tigersaurus Rex again and move on... 

Surviving World 4, part 3 practically requires that you're cheating in order to win. Check this out:

All of the places that aren't brightly lit are death. So, you have to jump (with finnicky jump controls, I might remind you) onto little platforms the width of your body, while Riki continues to march slowly upwards and the screen scrolls downwards. Even worse is that the game will send out baddies to intercept you here as well. Lots of them. That shoot. With fire. (Or whatever it is that they shoot, I don't know...) It took me about 50 tries to get past this part... only for this to happen:

The earth rips itself a new one to rip me a new one.

Let me narrate what you're looking at: My death. While trying to leap from the top left platform over to the solid ground on the left, Riki didn't make it. Of course, that was a good thing because as the screen scrolled a little further after my death, a new whole appeared, meaning that my leap of faith came with a 50/50 chance of survival anyways. I'd need to jump to the right in order to progress and after that, still land on a tiny island of safety to jump to the entrance of the boss' room. It's at times like these, I wish that game designers would be straight up honest.

Level 4 in its entirety

World five is just like World 2 only harder with more instant death-traps and an insane amount of baddies swooping at me. At least the boss shakes things up a bit:

Mario Paint eat your heart out.

I giant fly that shoots out smaller giant flies. This boss would be seriously hard without cheats. Not impossible, probably, but I know I couldn't do it. After a few hits, the fly will split into two and bounce around the top of the stage, impervious to your shots until the two become one again. After a few good hits, the fly explodes into nothing. I can't wait to see what the ending will bring! Maybe a "Conglaturation! You are win!" screen or something like I wrote above. Maybe just little Dino Riki walking in place with a little jingle that was sometimes the only reward you got for beating a game. Or maybe-

... Really? Not even a little victory, "Hey you just beat the last boss, good for you" jingle? I know that cutscenes, real cutscenes, were not often seen back then, but even Mario got him and the Princess standing together and a big ol' "Thank You". So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making a ending screen for the game.

... This game is mean to me....