Filling

So, while my new job has caused me to go to a normal work schedule, like a heathen, I've been trying to come up with something to write about. I had all but decided to go for a second consecutive week without a post until a friend of mine specifically requested that I write something presumably because he gets really bored and wants to read something. So, while I don't have anything really on my mind, I do have a near inexhaustible resource of ranting that I could do, so here it goes:

Sonic the flipping Hedgehog: what the hell happened to my favorite childhood hero?! I'm not just saying that I'm a fan of Sonic, but I did literally wait for the night where I had a dream about hanging out with the hog. I'm still freaking waiting!

Maybe I should explain a little before I get to share some things that will get really creepy. We never had a Genesis in the house. We were a Nintendo family. But, every Thanksgiving, we'd drive up to Meridian, Idaho where my grandparents lived along with my degenerate uncle Rodger. He was cool to a little six year old. He smelled faintly like smoke, had his own computer and had a TV in his room! His copy of Sonic 2 was actually Wonder Boy in Monster Land (which, incidentally, totally needs a sequel). He swapped out the ROM boards after renting the game from Blockbuster. (Which I thought was totally badass and clever) But most importantly, and should've been included before I mentioned Sonic 2 so the narrative would've flown better, he had a Sega Genesis.

I spent hours at that thing. I would play from sun-up till about sundown. It would slowly get dark and I'd be so glued to his TV that I wouldn't notice or bother flipping the light switch. I'd slowly go through his game collection until I had exhausted all of my favorite games, and would swear that this year I was old enough and mature enough to not totally freak out at playing games like Bram Stoker's Dracula or Warlock. Both are great nightmare fuel to a little kid and doubly so when playing it in a strange house in the dark by yourself. So, after getting shaken up, I'd invariably decide to try playing a game to get my mind off how freaked out I was. If I was smart, I'd pop in Sonic. If I was dumb, I'd pop in Kid Chameleon, die, and then race out of the room as fast as I could because of the demons shouting, "DIE" when you die in that game. (And now you know all about my obsession with Kid Chameleon, which will get more attention at a later date, I guarantee it)

Sonic was the coolest character in town. He was fast, had a kick-ass TV show, and dated a chick who sometimes, wore nothing more than boots.

First cartoon crush and first sign that I would someday be a furry.

He stood up against the pollution stereotype that was so prevalent in the 90s, but didn't feel the need to be preachy about it. Instead, he'd just smash the hell out of some robots. The games had awesome music, the cartoon series was jaw-droppingly awesome, and Sonic could do no wrong in my eyes. (I hadn't seen Sonic Underground yet, but it's awesome in a totally different way.)

Jump to today. Sonic has gotten so ingrained into the pop-culture that he's now selling insurance. And yet he's in some of the worst games to ever disgrace my PS3. I played through Sonic 06. I must admit that I never saw the "true ending" since I couldn't stomach the Shadow levels, and to be honest, I still find the whole human/hedgehog shipping to be a bit distasteful. (I know, I'm hypocritical, so sue me.)

The game had me frothing at the mouth while I waited three minutes for the game to load two lines of written dialogue and then have me wait another three minutes. Anyone who has played this game knows what I'm talking about. Now, I'm not going to say that it's the worst game I've ever played. (I'm sure Dino Riki is still topping that list) but it was kind of an eye opener that I just didn't love Sonic like I used to.

For me, Sonic started going downhill in Sonic Heroes. I beat that game completely and was pleasantly surprised by Big the Cat showing up (the best third-tier character in the Sonicverse) but had started noticing a few things that had gone on for far too long. Things like endless rails over nowhere, a huge focus on the Chaos Emeralds, and sub-par dialogue.

This had actually all started with Sonic Adventure, but it was his debut to 3D and there were far worse games out there. In fact, it was just a matter of fact that we accepted poor 3D platforming because we didn't have anything to compare it to. The graphics were ahead of its time, but the animation was poor during certain cut scenes, the voice acting was irritating at best, and the camera had its issues too. But we overlooked all of that because we were kids and we didn't know better. Neither did the industry. Sonic Adventure 2 should've alleviated those problems, and while the lip-syncing was a lot better (since they decided to get rid of the tongues in the mouths) and the dialogue just tiny less bit cheesy, the game still suffered from flaws that were growing. Things like instant-death scenarios, since falling caused you to die and all of the levels were effectively large floating islands in the nether. Wonky camera that wanted you to focus on the truck behind you, while still expecting you to dodge obstacles in front of you. (This would be amped up in Sonic 06) And of course, attacks that would either kill the enemy, hurt you for some reason, or hurl you into who knows which direction. But, Sonic Adventure 2 was one of my favorite games at the time, and being about 12 when I first played it, I can think of two reasons:

By now I knew that I wasn't normal.

Too many game-hours to count...

While I still have the game in my GameCube stash, I haven't played it in a long time. Partly because the game hasn't aged well, but also because I lost my Tails Chao from Phantasy Star Online and until I can get another one, I don't even want to see the Chao Garden. (You only love once...)

Next was Sonic Heroes which crushed my dreams of a new and improved Chao Garden, but did bring back Big, which as I said before, was a pleasant surprise. It also brought in the Chaotix crew which was even more interesting. But the game had some terrible lines and some terrible rail controls that made me very angry. This was the first time that I really started to notice how much I was starting to hate the direction the games were going.

Touche...

First of all, the stories were getting more and more repetitive. How many times can Dr. Eggman steal the Chaos Emeralds until he realizes that any plan that involves the word "CHAOS" as part of an energy source cannot, by its very definition, go according to plan? What's more, with the introduction of Shadow, the side-story was getting more and more convoluted.

By now, I had realized that the games were trying to be more story driven, which would be a good thing, except that they were still neglecting some serious camera control and artificial difficulty issues. Also, the story would've been helped a bit if the characters had a little bit more background than just a theme song and a brief introduction in the manual. Somehow, we were supposed to know that Tails was slowly getting sick of being in Sonic's shadow but didn't want to abandon his friend either. Knuckles never had any motivation except to protect the Master Emerald (and for some "fists metal crackle" according to his rap song about Pumpkin Hill.) Amy still is the most two-dimensional character out there with nothing in her motivation but pure, white-hot hatred love for Sonic.

We can assume that Rouge is still there for the emeralds that she knows she'll never have, and for the echidna which she should never have, since monotremes and mammals should never mix. Big never had any sort of motivation except for his friend Froggy making him much like Cream in the sense that without the person their looking for, they loose all character motivation. Omega honestly shouldn't exist, since Dr. Eggman couldn't possibly create AI that would have unshackled freedom to turn on him like he does. This list obviously omits dozens of other characters whom I either don't care about (Charmy) or just don't know anything about (Nack). In the end, while all of these characters seem just interesting enough to keep them around, their whole story is never investigated in satisfying way to keep them interesting.

Nope, never investigated in a satisfying way.

 Sonic 06 is the epitome of the worst of all of these things. The camera that forces you to rush ahead while dodging obstacles that you can't see because the camera wants to show you that totally bitchin' tornado behind you was implemented in Sonic's stages, presumably because Sega hadn't figured out how to make people see red when they saw the blue blur. The game's loading times were a joke for a current-gen console. While the graphics were undeniably pretty, it was hard to focus on them when they were falling through the ground for no apparent reason. The new character introduced here was Elise which delegated Sonic's role to that of a Mary Sue, as someone on TVTropes pointed out. He literally only exists in the story to fall in love with Elise in order to have someone cry at his passing. All the rest of the actual plot is taken care of by secondary characters, like Shadow or Silver. (Who, incidentally, is one of my favorite Sonic characters, as fate would have it.) The story gets even more ridiculous when someone pointed out that with the time-travel and chaos emerald swapping, one of the emeralds, stays in an impossible paradoxical loop.

Timelines solve everything.

Logically, that means that the blue chaos emerald cannot be possibly used in any other event in any Sonic story. If Sonic 06 were to stay canon, no other Sonic game that included the blue chaos emerald could be accepted canonically too. Which pretty much just leaves us with Sonic CD, since those were Time Crystals or something. And I think that Knuckles Chaotix could exist, too, I guess. Still, that's pretty damn bleak if the Sonic 06 game is so bad that if taken seriously, not only ruins itself (on account of it being so bad) but also ruins retroactively the rest of the series!

It was the last Sonic game I've played. I've been told that the newer ones are getting better, but until they figure out how to catch the same spirit of the game I'd been playing since I was 5, it's going to be hard to convince me that they're still worth my time.

Instead, I'll stick to the Archie Comics who seem to treat all of the characters with a bit more respect.

Except Marina. 'Strewth.

History Class

Sometime early in my life, I think it was probably around 1993, my family walked into a second-hand game store. I was probably three at the time, my sister was about 8 and my brother was around 10. My brother had taken some old NES games that he didn't play anymore and was trading them in to get a better game. Unfortunately, he had to contend with me and my sister. Now, I defer to my brother's judgement in hindsight, and I'm sure he was going to get a much better game. But me and my sister were taken in by a game with relatively cutesy cover art and we out-voted him by means of a tantrum. He begrudgingly took home this cart:

This looked awesome to a three year-old.

We plugged it in and enjoyed it for the whole of 10 minutes as frustration set in that we'd been duped into getting this game for $15 (Mine had the price tag on it for years) that none of us could get past the first level. Despite being cleverly marketed to young children, it would take me 18 years to actually beat the game. And that was with an emulator and hacking it so I could have invincibility, unlimited lives, and the best weapon in the game.

I would've used level select codes, but I'm too much of a man for that.

Even with the prospect of never seeing the game over screen (and hearing it's catchy little jingle) completely eradicated, I had to use a lot of save states to ever make it to the end. At this point, I'd go ahead and start telling you the story of Dino Riki and why he's perpetually marching towards the top of the screen, but as far as I know, this game has no story. There's no little tid-bit thrown in by localization talking about how Dino Riki is searching for food, or for shelter, or to get laid. (That would pretty much cover the spectrum for a cave-man, I would imagine.) Nope, just one caveman against the world.

We start off the game in the first (and for the better part of my life the only) level in the game. It's reminiscent of Pocky & Rocky, only this came out before hand. You slowly march onward towards oblivion as random crap comes flying at you at the speed of really really fast. So, it's a shooter. Only you also have to jump.

I have to wonder if video game characters have to go through some sort of therapy to get over aquaphobia.

I don't have to tell you that the water is deadly dangerous. The jumping is a little complicated by the fact that in order to actually go anywhere, you need a running start. While the world somehow scrolls below you. If Dino Riki could stop marching towards his death for one second, I wouldn't have so many problems. But at least here, the lily pads give a larger target than later in the game.

World one is just like this. Desolate jungle prairie with rocks with a few rivers and lakes. Also in the lakes are moving land masses that too roll under Dino Riki's feet. I'm not sure which is more confusing: the moving land masses or the fact that Dino Riki doesn't move with them.

After a few dozen tries I finally got passed the platforming parts and started to make my way to the bosses' chamber.

He's clearly terrified to know what lurks in the shadow of the cave...

 
I think I've made it this far once without any cheats before. But I'm not entirely sure. To be honest, my no cheating policy is past its statute of limitations when it comes to games older than 15 years. Doubly so if I happen to have a cheat device handy...

Which I do.

Other game reviewers tend to try and make it through the game on skill alone. But, one: I don't really review the games, I just write about them, and two: for the games I like to write about, reviewing them would be me just ranting about them. There are tons of more entertaining ranters for that kind of coverage. (For example, Angry Video Game Nerd) In a lot of cases, I've just never actually beaten the game before and I want to see the end.

Back to Dino Riki-

Great, he started fighting the boss without me! In case you can't tell, that's a pterodactyl. Honestly, from that screen-cap it could be a lot of things. The boss is hard if you're not cheating like I am. I am cheating. So the boss was really easy. He just moves back and forth shooting projectiles that you can shoot down. Actually, if you have the torch power-up (which I did) he'd be pretty simple even then.

Soon, you're whisked away to world 2...

Now, this might just be me nit-picking, but where did this architecture come from? The game is clearly the Adventures of Dino Riki. The last boss: a dinosaur. The protagonist: a cave man. Not only is there advanced civilization here, but it's already come and gone! I can't blame the creators for not wanting the game's scenery to get repetitive, but seriously? Ruins? Ancient ruins? In the middle of the Paleozoic? I dunno, Hudson-Soft, you've just lost a lot of respect.

Not that I was brimming with it beforehand.

This level contains quicksand instead of water, which admittedly is more of a real threat than a water hazard would be. Also the introduction of these guys:

Here we see Dino Riki learning that fire is instantly fatal (a fact that I only hitherto suspected). They're weird looking triceratops that breathe fire. Again, Dino Riki is marching slowly to his doom. I can run forward to dodge them, but I have to still wait for the screen to scroll. Making this fire instantly deadly is kind of a shot to the nuts, really. As if it weren't hard enough to dodge all the crap flying at me, you want me to time a dash to the top of the screen (where bad guys come from) only to slowly tap downwards so I'm not hugging the place where I'm sure to die? I'm just going to say it: I hate shooters for this very reason.

I can handle the sheer number difference (1 ship vs an entire solar system's worth of star destroyers) and even the one-hit kill policy prevalent in many of these types of games. But I can't stand not being in control of when I go somewhere. Even in Super Mario Bros. 3, the slow moving wall of death in a few of the levels pisses me off. I don't like being forced forward, and when I am being forced forward I don't like some invisible barrier telling me that I can't go any faster. This game suffers from this syndrome far worse than most shooters, though. You'll see why soon enough.

Back to Dino Riki, he's found the boss by now after navigating some primordial ruins.

Holy... Alright, I didn't notice until know but it looks like the T-Rex is shooting fire out of his crotch! Oh man, that's hilarious. I call this boss the Tigersaurus Rex because it looks like it has tiger stripes and I thought it was a clever play on words. He trudges back and forth and sometimes in a swooping motion to the bottom of the screen while shooting fire balls out of... his mouth. Sorry to disappoint you. He's just as easy to beat as the Pterodactyl if you have the upgrade (which I'm certain that you do not). After you shoot him enough times he'll die the same death that all the dinosaurs before him did.

He'll inexplicably explode.

World three is weird because... well... I think you're trudging through the land of the dead to be honest. The world is a sickly shade of green, there are flying skulls and crap, and then you've got fun skeletons that like to bull rush you after looking just like the background.

Okay, no, I've got it, I've traveled to that distant world that the Power Rangers went to in the movie. You know? Billy rides a giant dinosaur skeleton like a cowboy, says, "I've got a bone to pick with you!" and then takes out the load-bearing bone (located somewhere near the base of the neck) and the whole thing collapses? Yeah. That must be where I'm at. But, unfortunately for me, I'm not a Power Ranger, so trying to mount one to remove that bone is instantly fatal as well...

"I've got a bone to-THE PAIN!!!"

After awhile, the enemies call upon their good friend Gaia to try and screw me up.

But little does that titan know that I have save states that allow me to try and retry every pit she opens up for me. I finally make it to the end of the level. Surely with such a hard level, the boss is going to be pretty fantastic. I don't know how they could possibly top the T-Rex though... Maybe they're going to throw a T-Rex with a Pterodactyl on it's back?

Or a snake... Snakes are good, I guess. Though it seemed more or an appropriate boss for the desert world I was just in. The snake would be a little more difficult. It fades in and out, teleporting all around the arena, lobbing off a few fireballs, only to disappear again. He can even appear at the bottom of the screen, which is totally unfair since Riki here can't fire down. I can't fathom why Dino Riki can't fire behind him. I understand the game's reasoning: it was poorly made. But it's Riki's reason that eludes me. Maybe it's some crazy caveman superstition. Presumably the same one that overrules survival instincts and tells him to march forward off a cliff...

World four starts and... well... Remember how I speculated that World two was a ruin because they didn't want to repeat scenery? Scratch that. All three parts of World four are rehashes of the previous three worlds, only shorter and with a boss battle at the end of each section. Also, they're a hell of a lot harder.

Nature has many subtle ways of telling you to **** off.

It was at roughly this point I started wondering what Dino Riki's motives were. What was the drive for all of this suicidal insanity? I imagined the staple cutscene I would see at the end of the game... Would it be him with a girl and a little heart above their heads, assuring me that little Riki was going to become a man that night? Or maybe this was all about getting food. Maybe I'd see him chowing down on a piece of meat. You know, that one bone with a meat cylinder smack dab in the middle that you tend to see in anime and video games. Maybe that would be the whole crux of the game. I wondered if maybe the instruction manual came with a little back story, or if there would be a little cutscene at all. Maybe the ending would have nothing to do with the rest of the game because localization totally dropped the ball. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened, right? Well, I beat the Tigersaurus Rex again and move on... 

Surviving World 4, part 3 practically requires that you're cheating in order to win. Check this out:

All of the places that aren't brightly lit are death. So, you have to jump (with finnicky jump controls, I might remind you) onto little platforms the width of your body, while Riki continues to march slowly upwards and the screen scrolls downwards. Even worse is that the game will send out baddies to intercept you here as well. Lots of them. That shoot. With fire. (Or whatever it is that they shoot, I don't know...) It took me about 50 tries to get past this part... only for this to happen:

The earth rips itself a new one to rip me a new one.

Let me narrate what you're looking at: My death. While trying to leap from the top left platform over to the solid ground on the left, Riki didn't make it. Of course, that was a good thing because as the screen scrolled a little further after my death, a new whole appeared, meaning that my leap of faith came with a 50/50 chance of survival anyways. I'd need to jump to the right in order to progress and after that, still land on a tiny island of safety to jump to the entrance of the boss' room. It's at times like these, I wish that game designers would be straight up honest.

Level 4 in its entirety

World five is just like World 2 only harder with more instant death-traps and an insane amount of baddies swooping at me. At least the boss shakes things up a bit:

Mario Paint eat your heart out.

I giant fly that shoots out smaller giant flies. This boss would be seriously hard without cheats. Not impossible, probably, but I know I couldn't do it. After a few hits, the fly will split into two and bounce around the top of the stage, impervious to your shots until the two become one again. After a few good hits, the fly explodes into nothing. I can't wait to see what the ending will bring! Maybe a "Conglaturation! You are win!" screen or something like I wrote above. Maybe just little Dino Riki walking in place with a little jingle that was sometimes the only reward you got for beating a game. Or maybe-

... Really? Not even a little victory, "Hey you just beat the last boss, good for you" jingle? I know that cutscenes, real cutscenes, were not often seen back then, but even Mario got him and the Princess standing together and a big ol' "Thank You". So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making a ending screen for the game.

... This game is mean to me....

Wally Bear and the No Gang: How I Learned to Defeat Druggies and Bullies

I walk down the street with my cool new Ninja Turtles T-shirt, talking about the local sports team with my best buddy Jack. As we pass an open alley, a drug dealer would come out from the shadows. I know he's a drug dealer because he's got a leather jacket, sunglasses, and a slicked back hairstyle that makes him really cool. 

He might also have the ability to transform.

 He slinks out of the shadows to me and my friend and with a cool smirk on his face says, "Hey kid. Do you want to try some illegal drugs?" My friend Jack is scared witless. These are the very drugs that could kill someone. The drug dealer knows he's got us cornered. He's offered something free, we resist... But, thinking quickly, I react with the only way to defeat a drug dealer.
 "NO!" I say firmly, holding my hand out in a firm, 'no' kind of posture.
The drug dealer reels, cupping himself. He hisses and turns into a puff of smoke and slime, leaving behind nothing but a leather jacket, sunglasses, and a small ziploc baggy of pills that look a lot like aspirin.
 I gain 43 experience points (Jack gains the same) and 21 gil.

While D.A.R.E. taught me how to defend against drug solicitations, I found that in reality, most people offering me drugs were either friends or my uncle. And in any case, they were doing it more of a courtesy. Like eating in front of someone. No one has ever offered me drugs on the street and if they did, I'm sure it wouldn't be for free. Nor would I, being 8 years old in the example, be a target consumer, since I don't have a source of income and I'm too small to be able to steal much to feed this addiction.

While D.A.R.E. gave us mixed signals when it came to drugs (i.e. all the cool people were doing them, but you don't want to be cool like them?) it also gave us more focus in our young lives. It may or may not have been responsible for this:

A bear riding a skateboard is the kind of cool thing you can experience only while sober.

 While I know that Angry Video Game Nerd has done a review on this (Check it out here if you haven't seen it. NSFW: Language) Me and my good friend Jack, just like we stumbled upon Kid Chameleon trying to sell us drugs, stumbled upon this game while sifting through some NES roms I had stored on my laptop.

The game was released in 1992 and wasn't a licensed game. (You'll notice the lack of shiny gold Nintendo sticker on the box up there) It was rejected by Nintendo's licensing department likely for drug references. Back then Nintendo was the No Gang.

We rejected your game concept because f*** you, that's why.

It has a fairly straightforward story. Wally Bear has a party to attend. He needs to get there before dark. His mother is kind enough to remind him to say, "No." and be smart and not to start. She never actually says what he should be smart not to start, so we're left to fill in the blanks. It seems like a very odd thing to say to your kid as he's heading out the door. My mom usually says, "I love you" or "Be safe". I don't think she's once just said, "Okay, say 'no'. Be smart, don't start." But maybe I've just got a weird family.

So the game is afoot. Wally sets out on his skate board to... right. Right is apparently the direction that Uncle Grizzly lives, since left is not an option. Maybe Wally's mom was telling him to say no to going to the left? We may never know...  The controls are interesting enough. Wally can jump and he can move, building up momentum on his skateboard. He cannot attack. And landing on a dog on your skateboard will only hurt you, not the dog. So, they get half-credit on realism there.

Enemies include:

Evil Seagull

Hell Hound

Ricky Rat

 There is some debate on whether or not Ricky there is throwing a rock or drugs. Either one would suck getting hit with. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt that later in the game that he throws bombs. Someone should tell these guys that blowing up potential customers is bad for business...

At the end of stage one Wally enters a subway. There he meets with a rabbit who informs him that Toby Turtle (Aren't turtles always named Toby?) was trying to join Ricky Rat's gang. In order to join, Toby would have to take some pills! This may be for Toby's benefit. Maybe Toby is hyperactive (for a turtle) and needs to take his ridilin? Maybe it's blood-pressure medication? We don't know. But Wally is now hell-bent on stopping Toby. So he rides his skateboard on the subway (which I'm sure is worth at least a $100 fine in some parts of New York) to stop Ricky Rat... Who is apparently more than one rat... Maybe it's the name of the gang? Here we see some actual product placement. We get repeated billboards of "Crossbow" and "Shock Wave". While me and Jack figured that these were plugs for the frisbee weapon and skateboard respectively, deeper research says that they were actually titles of "blockbuster" games coming out soon. But AGCI went belly up before they were finished. Tough luck.

Wally finds Toby and tells him that any friend that won't take, "No" for an answer isn't really your friend. Wally then continues on into another neighborhood and another subway. There he meets Priscilla the Mouse (Because guys are rats, girls are mice, if Secret of NIMH taught me anything) who has had her radio stolen by Ricky Rat. Another subway stage and Priscilla has her radio back.

This is where things start getting kind of trippy. Up until now, the game has been fairly straightforward and child-friendly. Steeped in over-generalizing statements and innocent obstacles. Suddenly, it's getting on towards dusk, you're in the inner-city. Luckily in the inner city in Wally Bear's world, you don't have to worry about drug dealers. You have to worry about terrorists.

Apparently, bombs will still hurt you no matter how much No you fling at them.

Now, it's one thing to be getting into gang trouble in your grade school. But if you're wandering into gang territory after dark, then you're just asking for trouble. You learn this lesson the hard way, since these levels are no piece of cake. It was around here that I just said, "Screw it" and hacked the game for infinite lives.

Now for more after-school special drama. Larry the Lizard was spotted walking into a parking garage drinking from "a funny looking bottle". Wally reminds us that even grownups shouldn't drink and drive. The implication is that kids shouldn't drink and drive either. Which is strictly true.

Bet you can't guess how drunk I am!

Wally is now in a parking garage. He must find an exit out of all the possible exits. Also, Larry the Lizard is apparently more than one person, too. The exit to the parking garage leads into the sewers. Suddenly I'm realizing what Wally's parents were talking about. Just say No to go to this party. What kind of parents send their kid off into a world of gangs and drug dealers that requires two subways (that are frequented by gangsters and thieves) a trip through the inner-city and then past a parking garage and through the sewers. But it gets worse. Later on we find a castle hidden in the sewers with creepy faces that shoot... something at you. This eventually leads to more sewers, another castle, and then back to the surface of the inner-city (strangely enough with a sign indicating that you were in the subway?) until Wally finally arrives at the party.

The most ironic thing about this game is that it would probably be much better if you were stoned while playing it...

But, the weirdest thing about this entire shindig is that up until October 15, 2007 a hotline for Wally Bear and the No Gang was still active at 1-800-HI-WALLY. You could call up and Wally the Bear would tell you all about being smart and not starting and how you could just say no. For the life of me, I don't know how or why the hotline would be open for 15 years.

And since I can't think of a more fitting way to end this entry, I'm going to include this song that would make Wally Bear proud.